'Hands of Steel': Terminator for Girls

Hands of Steel (aka "Atomic Cyborg" and "Arms of Steel") (1986)
Starring: Daniel Greene, Janet Agren, George Eastman, Claudio Cassinelli, Luigi Montifori, Andrew Coppola, and John Saxon
Director: Martin Doleman (aka Sergio Martino)
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

In the near future, a powerful industrialist (Saxon) co-opts a U.S. Army super-soldier program for use as his own personal assassination squad. When the perfect cybernetic super-soldier (Greene) breaks his programming and heads home to Arizona in search of his true identity, ruthless assassins are put on his trail to silence him before he thinks to turn himself into the authorities.

Someone I used to watch crummy movies with referred to "Hands of Steel" as "Terminator for Girls."

I thought it was a funny and very accurate description. The cyborg in search of emotional peace and answers to who he is is played by a very handsome male specimen, and the "lonely woman finds true love and redeems a Bad Boy" is a chick fantasy if there ever was one.

Along the way, there's some violence courtesy of said cyborg bad boy and the assassins chasing him, as well as a subplot involving semi-pro arm-wrestlers that makes "Over the Top" look like a masterpiece, with the only positive thing about it being the contests are motivated by chivalry instead of an attempt to earn the love and respect of a 13 year-old boy. I wish I could say there was much hilarity and/or excitement in watching arm-wrestling battles of Man vs. Cyborg, but no; it's even dumber here than it was in the Stallone movie. But at least the arm-wrestling is motivated by chivalry and not an attempt to earn the love and respect of the cyborg's estranged son. (I realize arm wrestling is viewed as a sport in some of the more bizarre places of the world--like caber-tossing, curling, and, no doubt, pig catching--but was it really so popular in the 1980s that it warranted cinematic treatments?)

Aside from the arm wrestling sequences, the fight and chase scenes are fairly well done, considering what is usually found in films at this level. The Battle Royale from which the above screenshot is culled--when the assassins finally catch up with our hero--is one of the movie's high points. It comes as a near-complete surprise, which I may well have spoiled by mentioning it here. Whoops.

At any rate, that fight kicks off the movie's third act which is little more than chases, mayhem, and violence again goons in black suits and motorcycle helmets (that culminates in John Saxon wielding a weapon that shoots colorful cartoon lines--oh, sorry... laser beams). It's the point in the movie where there's "no plot to get in the way of the action," except for when the "redemption of the Bad Boy" is reintroduced and brought to its natural conclusion. Do we get a happy ending where Cyborg and Girl live happily ever after? Well, I'm not going to be that bad with spoilers, but it was the one point where the film had me guessing as to what was going to come next.

This is a fun, cheesy sci-fi flick that should appeal equally to fans of "Warriors of the Wasteland", "Robocop" and "Terminator". While it's squarely in the territory of Bad Movie Night fodder, it does have good action scenes and it features decent performances by Daniel Greene and Janet Agren. I recommend pairing it with Charles Band's "Crash and Burn" for the common themes of killer cyborgs and evil corporations bent on destroying the environment just for money and the hell of it. (In fact, I continue to be astonished that neither Band nor companies like Mill Creek hasn't taken advantage of the ongoing environmentalist hysteria to repackage and/or retitle some of these B-movies with environmentalist side themes in attempts to sponge a few dollars off the True Believers in the cult of man-made global warming. It might be a little late now, though, as the mass-media seems to be moving onto other topics.)





Trivia: This was the final screen appearance of Claudio Cassinelli, an Italian actor whose face is familiar to lovers of trashy cinema. He died in a helicopter crash during the production.

Xtro: The Complete 'Trilogy'

When is a movie trilogy NOT a movie trilogy? When it's the "Xtro" series!

"Xtro" is a series of sci-fi/horror films that are linked only by the presence of killer creatures from other worlds, the same director, and the word "Xtro" in the titles. There are no story links and the killer aliens are vastly different in each film. One really has to wonder why they chose to make the second two films "sequels" to the original; was the title "Xtro" really such a draw in the early 1990s? I understand that the first film achieved some minor legendary status by being included on the British list of "Video Nasties", but was that really enough to drive viewers to sequels made as long as ten years after the original? Especially given how bad the sequels were?


Xtro (1983)
Starring: Bernice Steger, Phillip Seyer, Maryam D'Abo, and Simon Nash
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Three years after being abducted by aliens, Sam (Seyer) returns a very different man, and he passes his gooey, gory alien powers onto his young son (Nash).


When I first saw this movie as a kid, it freaked the heck out of me. The father coming back and spreading alien corruption throughout the household, the way the son was transformed, and the way he in turn went after the horny au-paire (D'Abo)... even the creepy way he made deadly things appear with his mental powers. It all seemed very, very scary.

I suspect someone watching the film with less jaded eyes than mine could still find "Xtro" scary. At this point, I find still find some of the movie quite disturbing--Sam's method of returning to human form was not something I recalled, and it is definitely creepy; the alien egg-laying scene; and the final scene with the mother... well, up to a point with that one--but in general, I now view this film mostly with a sense of frustration because there are two fundamental things that spoil it for me.

First, there's the fact that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of rhyme or reason to what the characters do, alien or otherwise. In fact, some of the things that happen are pure "Stupid Character Syndrom"--a character does something just to make sure the plot doesn't come to screeching halt, even if a vaguely intelligent person would take any one of numerous different options.

Second, the director and/or scriptwriter simply doesn't know when enough is enough, and this spoils a number of what otherwise would have been excellent, very scary moments. The movie's ending is the ultimate example of this. I won't go into details, because I would spoil it, but suffice to say, the filmmakers ruin a perfectly good ending. If they had been smart, the film would be about 5-10 seconds shorter.

On the upside, we do get to see D'Abo prance around in absolutely nothing, and the acting is uniformly bland (not quite bad... just flat) so no one stands out as good or bad. Gorehounds might also be impressed with a number of scenes in film. The "Return of Sam" scene is a standout in that sense. "Xtro" also features a well-done electronic score, and those are few and far between.

Nonethless, this is a film that clocks in at the low end of average... although I admit my reaction may partially be due to it not living up to my memories of it. (Maybe I'll get the courage to watch "The Exorcist" again. It's the only movie I walked out because it scared me too badly.)


XTRO II: The Second Encounter (1991)
Starring: Jan-Michael Vincent, Tara Buckman, and Paul Koslo
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Deep underground, American scientists discover how to open a portal to another world...but, surprise-surprise, something goes wrong and murderous critters come across the dimensional void to run amuk. How will the best-and-brightest of the Mad Science Set stop the invasion and save themselves?!

Picture a bad "Aliens" rip-off and cross it with some of the lamest plot elements of a bad "Stargate SG-1" episode, and you have "XTRO: The Second Encounter."


Not only does this "sequel" have absolutely nothing in common with the first movie--the creatures don't even seem to be related--but it's also devoid of good acting, competent direction, and anything that even approaches originality.

For all its faults, the original XTRO at least delivered some genuine weirdness and horror, and it did so with a certain flair. This "sequel" brings absolutely nothing worthwhile to the table. It is a study in complete mediocrity and unoriginality.


Xtro 3: Watch the Skies (1994)
Starring: Sal Landi, Andrew Divoff, Andrea Lauren Hertz, and Robert Kulp
Director: Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A group of Marine demolitions experts are sent to a remote, deserted island to disarm explosives left over from WW2. As will happen, something goes wrong and they unleash an alien that has been trapped in a bunker for several decades. Gory mayhem ensues.

I've read in several places that director Harry Bromley Davenport says this is his favorite entry in the "Xtro" series. I can't for the life of me figure out why. As flawed as it was, the original "Xtro" is far more interesting on every level than this one... and far more competently made.

It's actually a shame that "Xtro 3" turned out as a textbook example of what happens when a low-budget film is made with a slip-shod attitude, because there was a lot of potential here.

The setting--a deserted jungle island that once housed interned Japanese and a secret research facility could have been a character unto itself and filled the movie with atmosphere if the cinematography and direction hadn't been as lifeless as an instructional video on how to navigate the Dewey Decimal System. The story of Marines stalked by a murderous alien creature could have been engaging if the script writer had taken time to research actual military protocols and behaviors, had spent some time making the characters interesting and distinct, and bothered to actually bothered to do more than one draft so the dialogue didn't sound like something written for a cheap voice-over of a Japanese sci-fi movie.

And speaking of characters, perhaps if the actors all didn't seem like they had been handed the script pages right before cameras started to roll but instead seemed like they were in character instead of simply delivering the bad lines, the audience could perhaps develop attachment to one or more of them. Although decent acting would not make up for the fact that illogical, plot-dictated behavior governs every action they take, because no one seems to have bothered to think scenes through.

Similarly, if someone had paid attention to costuming and continuity on the production, maybe generous-minded or entertainment-starved viewers would be able to suspend disbelief and engage with the film, despite the incompetent direction and script. However, the appearing and disappearing gear on characters and less effort put into costuming than you might put into getting dressed for lounging around the house on a Saturday when your friends are all out of town, make that impossible.

Finally, although the alien has possibilities to rival the creepy creature of the original "Xtro," it ends up more laughable than scary due to badly executed special effects and the aforementioned illogical, plot-dictated character behavior. Is there anyone reading this who has seen this film who didn't think like I did: "Why run when you can just kick it really hard?"

"Xtro 3" continues the decline of this series into crapitude. The only thing that keeps it from sinking to a Two Rating (and thus earning a place over at Movies You Should [Die Before You] See) is the alien's back story. It's a cool idea... and it's too bad that it is wasted in a movie like this one. (I won't give it away here, because it is one of the few decent story elements in the film.)

If your looking for something to round out a Bad Movie Night line-up, "Xtro 3: Watch the Skies" might be what you're looking for. You might, however, be better off actually watching the skies and identifying shapes in the clouds.







Trivia: Harry Bromley Davenport stated in a 2010 interview that "Xtro 4" was in the works, which he confirmed in March 2011, in this interview. It remains to be seen if he continues to trend of making each installment in the series worse than the one that went before. It's already a given that this film will have no connection to the others, save for the word "Xtro". (And the fact that a fourth Xtro film is in production puts a lie to the claim that this post covers the complete series/trilogy. Although that may be kind of fitting, given how this "series" isn't one.

'Cyber Ninja' has it all except the kitchen sink

Cyber Ninja (1988)
Starring: Hanbei Kawai, Hiroki Ida, Shôhei Yamamoto, Eri Morishita, Makoto Yokoyama, and Masaaki Emori
Director: Keita Amemiya
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

In the far future, the Suwabeh Clan is locked in a final desperate battle against a society of techno-demons who are turning human warriors into cybernetic ninjas while preparing for when the Stars Are Right to unleash their demon god upon the world. At the eleventh hour, they receive surprise assistance from one of the cyber ninjas, who is on a quest to reunite his soul with his body.

"Cyber Ninja" is probably some sort of mile stone in cross-genre craziness. The film covers the fantasy aspect with sorcery and echoes of ancient Japan feudal culture with its princesses, house retainers, ninja, ronin, and samurai, and it hits the sci-fi genre with giant battle-mechs--that mirror the fantasy aspect by looking like pagodas--and armies of robot ninja vs. cybernetically enhanced samurai, and it brings in horror with some fairly dastardly demons and the uber-demon they are about to summon to ravish the world.

Unfortunately, it's not an achievement in story-telling, and all those various elements just sort of swirl around and bump into each other in a chaotic mess that makes very little sense. However, I think this is one of those movies that 10 year old boys will get a huge kick out of. They will be so enamoured with the robot ninjas, waving swords and giant battle-mechs they won't notice the complete lack of logic to much of the activities by both the good guys and the bad guys, nor will they notice that the battle-mechs look more like a row of outhouses than the mechanized castles they're supposed to be. Kids might not even notice how absolutely rediculous some of the voice acting in the dubbed version is. (The Dark Bishop would have been laughed out of Evil College with a voice like that.)

Trivia: Director/co-writer Keita Amemiya created several genre-mixing movies and anime series during the 1980s and 1990s, the most famous of them being the "Zeram" movies and cartoons. He was also the main creative force behind the sci-fi/fantasy film hybrid "Moon Over Tao".

The deadliest of blogathons....

'A Fistful of Talons' equals karate nonsense

A Fistful of Talons (1983)
Starring: Billy Chong, Ying Bai, Hilda Liu and Feng Tien
Director: Chung Sun
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

An obnoxious young martial artist who enjoys tormenting Manchurians in the decade following the fall of the Ching Dynasty (Chong) becomes intrigued by a mysterious traveler (Bai) and decides to follow him. Along the way, he becomes engaged to and skips out on a young woman who raises eagles as a hobby (Liu), and becomes embroiled in a plot to restore the Ching Emperor to power.


"A Fistful of Talons" is a movie rushes headlong from fight scene to fight scene, hardly ever taking a break from slap-stick flavored confrontations to life-or-death battles with the future of China at stake. It's a film that I found surprisingly entertaining, given that I found the "hero" to be an obnoxious git.

This is a film that has all the strengths and weaknesses of the best Chinese martial arts movies from the late 1970s and early 1980s. On the plus side, the fights are peformed by real acrobats and martial artists with little or no use of wires and trick photography. On the downside, the film is a little incoherent in the area of plot, and, like so many other Chinese action movies of this period, it ends literally when the hero strikes the killing blow against the main villain. And if there ever was a movie that needed a denoument, this is the one.

Did Jerk Boy and the girl he promised to marry resolve their differences (and get married)? What happened with the Seal of the Emperor, a major maguffin throughout the film? Did Jerk Boy become a more serious participant in the Republician effort, or did he stick with harrassing random Manchurians? Moreso than in any other early 1980s martial arts film, I was left after the obligatory still-frame and "The End" title card wanting to know how the story ended. I wanted to know the answer to those questions and others. Because of that, the film teeters on the brink of a 7 rating, as it clearly drew me in, despite my dislike of the "hero". But because I don't get that ending, I'm keeping my rating on the low side.





If you like martial arts movies, be sure come back in November for Nine Days of the Ninja.

'The Big Picture' is far from perfect

The Big Picture (1989)
Starring: Kevin Bacon, Emily Longstreth, J.T. Walsh, Michael McKean, and Jennifer Jason Leigh
Director: Christopher Guest
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

When film-student Nick Chapman (Bacon) wins a prestigious award and is immediately given a movie to direct by a studio executive (Walsh), he thinks his career is rocketing along. But, after selling out with lightning speed, he discovers how fickle and phony the business and people in the movie industry are.


Although the story of "The Big Picture" is one that's been told a hundred times over, it's retold here with great charm, humor, and a cast where every actor is excellent and at the top of his or her game. (Kevin Bacon, J.T. Walsh, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Micheal McKean are particularly good in this film. Leigh truly rocks as a kooky artist.)

Unfortunately, the first act of the movie really drags for me, partly because it consists almost entirely of scenes featuring people being awkward or indifferent, but mostly Nick is such a dunderhead. Basically, in the first case, the director is trying to show us that Nick is about of his element, and that he is feeling starstruck and awkward, but it's done too many times and it feels over done. Maybe that's because I've been on both ends of that situation--the one feeling awkward and star-struck AND being the person who had to suffer through encounters with the awkward and star-struck that I feel this way. Plus it annoyed me throws his friends and fiance overboard for one film deal and a slutty B-actress. I felt like Nick's film school nemesis deserved more success, because he was a self-absorbed prick from the beginning, while Nick turns into one almost overnight. I initially found it impossible to root for Nick, and I found him too repulsive to be funny.

Things get better as the film goes on--once Nick gets kicked in the teeth by the soulless and fickle Hollywood Movie Machine and then later inadvertently turns it to his advantage--but that first act was so hard to get through that it really dragged the whole movie down.

Although I've had very few dealings with the real-life people being mocked in this film, I suspect there is much truth in what is portrayed. It certainly explains how some of the crap I watch and review gets made. It's a fun movie, but I would have enjoyed it more if the first act had been stronger. (Or maybe weaker? Perhaps the actors were TOO good during that part of the movie?)

'Diary of a Big Man' is a funny tale of bigamy

Diary of a Big Man (1988)
Starring: Chow Yun-Fat, Sally Yeh, and Joey Wang
Director: Chor Yun
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

In something of a change of pace, action star Chow Yun-Fat takes the lead in a romantic comedy as a stockbroker who stumbles his way into marriage with two different women after he can't bring himself to break either's heart. With the help of a loyal friend, he attempts to balance both marriages, but eventually something has to give....


This film takes all the twists and turns that one expects a romantic comedy to take, but it does it with a certain style and flair, and it explodes into completely unexpected over-the-top and hilarious insanity. The performances by Chow Yun Fat and Sally Yeh are particularly fun to watch as the antics unfold.

One complaint I have is that the subtitles are... well, brittle. They are more difficult to read than average, something which is frustrating in a film where the patter is flying fast and furious. On the upside, there aren't many examples of the bizarre literal translations that are so common in Hong Kong flicks. Another subtitle complaint is that the featured song in the film is subtitled in Cantonese but not in English.

Despite these technical gripes, this is a fun little movie that's worth watching.

Stallone goes over the top!

This review is a spin-off from the week-long celebration of The Expendables at Watching the Detectives.

Over the Top (aka "Meet Me Half Way" (1987))
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, David Mendenhall, and Robert Loggia
Director: Menehen Golan
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Lincoln Hawk (Stallone), a long haul trucker and semi-pro competitive arm wrestler struggles to reconnect with his son (Mendenhall) after the death of his wife.

Yes... I wrote "semi-pro competitive arm wrestler." There are parts of this movie that play like "Balls of Fury", with its extreme ping-pong matches, yet it's all meant to be taken seriously. And apparently there are enough folks out there who take arm wrestling seriously enough that there are leagues and championships, just like we see in this movie. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but this website is proof that truth is often nearly as strange as fiction.

But why anyone would think that a movie centered on a semi-pro arm wrestler could be profitable with a budget of $25 million is a complete mystery. Perhaps they thought anything vaguely sports related starring Sylvester Stallone would be an instant hit, what with the first three "Rocky" movies having been huge successeses. They were of course wrong, and "Over the Top" lost some $9 million during its theatrical run.

I don't know if this movie bombing is a good thing or a tragedy, because if it had turned a quick profit, I'm sure we would have been treated to Stallone as a semi-pro caber tosser in "Death Logs" and as a semi-pro curling player, squaring off against a team of villains led by Dolph Lundgren in "Clean Sweep."

I do wish I had remembered this movie existed while working on my forthcoming book, 150 Movies You Should (Die Before You) See. It would have been ideal for the chapter titled "It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time." But, featuring it for The Expendables Week is a good second best.


While I remain baffled any executive at Cannon Group, Warner Bros. or Golan-Globus would have thought an idea this lame could earn back a $25 million investment, I can see why this film might have appealed to Sylvester Stallone.

Stallone is an actor, who enjoys acting, and the character he portrays here is different than any other he had played at this time (or since, as far as I know). Lincoln Hawk comes across like a gentle, soft-spoken man for whom confrontation is something he tries to avoid until back into a corner, and for whom violence is usually not even an option to be considered. There is a lot about the Lincoln Hawk character that feels very real, and I think Stallone does a good job at portraying him. I also think this character looked better on paper, because he's the only thing that feels even close to real in this film, as the goofy arm wrestling "action" is laughable, and Hawk's Snidely Whiplash-like millionaire father-in-law (played by Robert Loggia) is so over the top in every way that one might think the title refers to him instead of an arm wrestling move. Hawk's relationship with his son also feels artificial, both because of some weak writing... and because child actor David Mendenhall is an average child actor. And that means that you can tell he is ACTING whenever he is in a scene.

Aside from fans of Sylvester Stallone being able to enjoy him doing something a little different, there really isn't anything particularly exceptional about "Over the Top". All the technical aspects of the film are executed with the level of competence you'd expect for a movie someone spent $25 million on, but there is no making up for the fact that the film's main hook is goofy in the extreme (even if there is a real-world counterpart to it).

Tin foil hats DO work against mind control!

They Came From Beyond Space (1981)
Starring: Robert Hutton, Jennifer Jayne, and Michael Gough
Director: Freddie Francis
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

A group of scientists researching a strange group of meteors fall prey to alien mind-control. They swiftly start spreading their domination to others, as well as start spreading a deadly plague. When they try to dominate astrophysicist Dr. Curtis Temple (Hutton), the metal plate in his head protects him. He launches a one-man battle to figure out what the aliens are up to, and how they can be stopped.


"They Came From Beyond Space" is a sci-fi movie in the "invisible invasion" mode that's got an okay cast and all the components of a great sci-fi thriller, but the stew never quite reaches a boil. The best moments of the film are the unintentional comedic moments, such as when Dr. Temple and a colleague literally create tin-foil hats for protection from the alien mind control.

And aside from unintentional comedy, there's nothing else here worth commenting on. It's about as bland as a movie can be while still offering a little entertainment.

The only movie to give me nightmares

Meet the Feebles (1989)
Starring (the voices of): Mark Hadlow, Peter Vere-Jones, and Stuart Devenie
Director: Peter Jackson
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

Long before the big-budget success of the "King Kong" remake and the "Lord of the Rings" series Peter Jackson directed gross-out movies like "Dead Alive," "Bad Taste," and the puppet extravaganza "Meet the Feebles."


"Meet the Feebles" is a film that follows a chaotic day-in-the-life of the corrupt and perverted performers and crew of the "Feebles Variety Hour" as they prepare for their first nation-wide television network broadcast. If you can think of something perverted, violent, or vile, these characters are up to it, and they do it on screen.

It doesn't matter they're puppets, or actors in costumes in the case of the characters... that might even make it worse. I'm not sure. The fact is that after the opening scene, the film immediately turns very dark and very ugly.

The extremely concentrated dose of depravity in this film--which is probably as close to the representation of Roman Polanski's sexual fantasies we'll ever get to see on film, with all the drugging and raping and filming of pornography going on--and the puppets and the characters they represent so ugly that this film actually gave me nightmares after I watched it. This is the only time it has ever happened to me, despite decades of watching horrible movies. Perhaps because the film has a nightmarish quality to it as it's unfolding, it seemed into my subconscious and followed me into sleep.

Whatever the reason, this is a horrible film. However, it sets out to be a horrible film, so Jackson succeeded in doing exactly what he set out to do. That explains my high rating for the film, but it is also the reason why I can't recommend that any one watch it.

"Meet the Feebles" is a funny spoof on the classic "The Muppet Show" and the face the entertainment industry likes to present via movies about itself, but it is simply too ugly a movie to be enjoyed by anyone.

Except maybe Roman Polanski. He'll probably find himself loving every aspect of Trevor the Rat, a pornographer who likes to drug and rape aspiring actresses.

'Chiller': When B-movies go bad

Chiller (1985)
Starring: Michael Beck, Beatrice Straight, Paul Sorvino, and Jill Shoelen
Director: Wes Craven
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Young corporate mogul Miles Creighton (Beck) was placed in cryogenic suspension until the day medical science could save him from an organ transplant that failed. Ten years later, he is revived and healed. However, there is something different about him: He is vicious, coldhearted... and homicidal!


"Chiller" is a classic example of a bad B-movie... we have a mildly interesting idea that's ground to death with pedestrian dialogue, so-so acting, and a story that's entirely too slow moving. Worse, the scares in "Chiller" are few and far between. This is definitely one of the worst movies Wes Craven has made. (He DID startle me at the end, but everything up to that point was either yawn-worthy or eye-rolling worthy.)

"Chiller" is worth seeing if you see it on TV late at night and every other channel is running info-mercials, or if you're the world's biggest Paul Sorvino fan (who is featured as the reverend who concludes that Miles may have come back to life, but his (duh-duhn-duuuhhn!) SOUL stayed in the afterlife), but otherwise it's best to leave it cooling on the shelf.





Click here to read a special post at Terror Titans that covers all of Wes Craven's famous and successful "Scream" movies.

'Knightriders' is a surprising Romero movie

Knightriders (1981)
Starring: Ed Harris, Gary Lahti, Tom Savini, Amy Ingersoll, Warner Shook, Patricia Tallman, Christine Forrest, Brother Blue, and Cynthia Adler
Director: George Romero
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

Like so many movies I watch and review, I came to this one not knowing what to expect, but attracted to it by the DVD cover image of a mace-wielding knight in full armor on a motorcycle. It turned out that "Knightriders" is quite a different sort of film than what we usually expect to see when the name "George A. Romero" is in the credits.

There are no zombies or psycho killers in this film. Instead, what we have is the story of a traveling roadshow consisting of stunt motorbikers who travel the country putting on a renaissance fair that is set apart from the usual such shows by elaborate jousting matches on motorcycles. Even more unusual, these carnies have created their own utopian society where the model set by King Arthur's Camelot is what they aspire to and where ancient virtues and knightly honor are the order of the day. However, just like the real Camelot, corruption and greed soon threatens to destroy what they have created....


"Knightriders" is a film that deserves more attention that it's gotten over the years. It's supremely well acted--Ed Harris' performance as the "king" who struggles to keep his community together brings a fantastic emotional purity to the film, while Tom Savini's enigmatic Morgan (and chief challenger to the king's throne) brings a nice touch of counterbalancing darkness--features great music, and some really great cinematography. The bike stunts are also fantastic and one wonders how no one got killed on the shoot!

Although the film runs a little too much past what should have been its climax, it presents an engaging, subtle retelling of the classic Arthurian tale that, like its model, has a timeless quality that makes this film just as vibrant now as it was in 1981. It's worth checking out by lovers of Ren Fairs, Camelot-style romantic stories, and well-made, intelligent cinema.

Great film presents outdated future

Escape From New York (1981)
Starring: Kurt Russell, Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Isaac Hayes, Donald Pleasence, and Adreinne Barbeau
Director: John Carpenter

In a 1980s vision of a dark future, Manhattan Island has been turned into a massive prison where the worst of the worst of American criminals are sent to live out their lives with no chance of ever being freed. After Air Force One crashes into the prison, decorated war-hero turned violent criminal Snake Pliskin (Russell) is recruited by the authorities to rescue the president.


What follows is one of the best adventure movies ever made, with touches of dystopic sci-fi, humor, horror, and action mixing easily together. Snake's quest through the deadly, decaying streets of Manhattan take him from strange to stranger, and from bizarre to deadly, as he penetrates ever-deeper into the nightmarish world that the prisoners have created. As if the cannibals and crazies weren't enough, Snake is also fighting the clock: Commisioner Hauk (Van Cleef) had Snake injected with time-released poison capsules that will kill him if he isn't back with the president in 22 hours.

"Escape From New York" is full of great moments of horror, humor, and action. Every actor puts on great performances, with Russell's Clint Eastwood imitation as Pliskin, Van Cleef as coldblooded prison warden/police commissioner Hauk, and Hayes as the insane, intensely evil Duke of New York being the most impressive. It's a movie that stands up to repeated viewings, with perfect pacing, magnificent sets, and an excellent electronic score that also ranks among Carpenter's greatest works.

If there's anything wrong with the movie, it's that its "near-future setting" hasn't aged well...but that is the complaint that can be made of ANY film that says "here's what tech will be like 20 years from now."

(From the News Department--Bad News Department: "Escape From New York" is yet another film that's going to be the subject of a crappy remake. Click here for the tragic news. While I agree this is one movie that's outdated, it's also a movie that there is no way they'll be able to match quality-wise.)